Day 56 The cycle

While enjoying Helsinki, I have started to analyze why I am slightly more tense in Hong Kong, and I have come to a realization that I am constantly pushing myself to achieve something that does not come easily to me.

I don't think I am talented in a lot of ways, really, I am just an average person, the world doesn't really care if I exist or not. But in quiet and sleepless nights, lying on my bed and staring at the ceiling, I find myself angry at myself at being average and just not so satisfied in just being average and following the status quo of becoming a successful person.

Almost 20 years of my life, I try to mimic the above-average group, while secretly resenting the fact that they are dominating the world. I think I have fooled some people, and sometimes, I fooled myself.

When I have finally achieved something, I tell myself that I can actually do much more and better. And I immediately jump into something that seem quite impossible to achieve. Sometimes, I am so consumed by the idea that I am a loser that I will deliberately put myself into a situation which I am not familiar with, so I can slowly achieve something out of it.

I am always in a cycle of being a loser, then achieving something, then being a loser again ... the cycle goes on and on and on.

But then again, at times, I question myself whether I would be much happier when I stop doing this, and remain achieving something. There is always a question of "would you rather be a big fish in a small pond or a small fish in a big pond".

I feel like going in this cycle is the only way which I can keep up with other people and with the world. I think this cycle will continue when I get back to Hong Kong, but the only change is, my attitude is different, I will be happy to be in this cycle.